Apologies to everyone who was expecting a blog last week, but things have been busy in both my personal and business world and when last Friday rolled around I realized that what I really needed was a break, so I took advantage of a short and slow week to avoid any kind of writing whatsoever except the tow Confidential Information Memorandums I had to complete. Such was my commitment to NOT doing a blog that I instructed my partner to come into my office and confiscate my laptop if he heard even a hint of my usual typing frenzy, which made for some awkward moments when I tried responding to an email he had sent me.
At any rate, I skipped it and I make no excuses and I understand if you are unable to forgive me for my sins, which would make me Unforgiven I guess. Which of course is one of my favourite movies starring three of my favourite actors – Morgan Freeman, Gene Hackman and, of course, Clint Eastwood who, as luck would have it, is turning 94 today. Which of course is super old – I guess he is “feeling lucky, punk” after all.
So now here we are, you have just walked into it, the Clint Eastwood blog. I did one a while back called the Good, the Bad and the Ugly but as I recall that was mostly about oil prices and what might affect them. But this one? I’m going to try something different because I have been reliably informed that a whole shwack of Clint Eastwood’s most seminal movies are being reproduced, redone, re-written, recast and relaunched for the 2020’s. And I want to the share the best of the best with you because there are a LOT of movies to cover. And some of the plot rewrites are, at least in my eyes, pretty crazy. How do I know this? Well I wrote them all.
I think to be fair I need to start with my favourite Clint Eastwood movie of all time, which may or may not be the top dog with everyone, but it combines the whole “drifter” and “psychotic assassin” personas that make Clint westerns such a delight to watch. I’m talking of course about everyone’s favourite chew spitting outlaw – Josey Wales.
The Outlaw Josey Wales
Original plot:
Josey Wales watches helplessly as his wife and child are murdered, by Union men led by Capt. Terrill. Seeking revenge, Wales joins the Confederate Army. He refuses to surrender when the war ends, but his fellow soldiers go to hand over their weapons — and are massacred by Terrill. Wales guns down some of Terrill’s men and flees to Texas, where he tries to make a new life for himself, but the bounty on his head endangers him and his new surrogate family. Eventually everyone except Josey Wales dies.
New Plot:
Rachel Notley watches helplessly as her political party gets handed its walking papers by the evil Danielle Smith. Embittered by losing, Notley hangs up her spurs and hands the leadership of the party to Naheed Nenshi. Unfortunately, the UCP party wins a series of by-elections, dooming her beloved province to four more years of a randomly chaotic mix of good ideas, bad governance, populist ideas and David Parker cult-like demands. Forced out of hiding, Notley returns to turn the tide.
Memorable Line:
Dyin’ ain’t much of a living, son.
Heartbreak Ridge
Original plot:
Marine Sgt. Thomas Highway is a decorated veteran of two wars. On his last posting before retirement, he is surrounded by officers with no combat experience who view him as an odd, even dangerous, holdover. Highway is assigned to train a group of undisciplined recruits including Cpl. Stitch Jones, a slick hustler who has previously encountered Highway. As the old soldier prepares his men for a war they don’t believe will come, the U.S. invades Grenada.
New Plot:
Mike Rose is a celebrated Canadian oil and gas legend, renowned for starting multiple billion-dollar Canadian energy companies. In his retirement swan song, he acquires some prime Montney gas acreages and sets about staffing up to exploit it. Unfortunately, the only people available for his workforce are a bunch of entitled millennials whose preferred work suits are composed of Lululemon pants and UGG boots, when they even show up at the office, so used are they to work from home laziness (hey – someone has to tend to the smoker!). Chief annoyance is a slick geophysicist who calls himself Frank. As Mike prepares to take the company public and make everyone rich, Guilbeault caps production.
Memorable Line:
You can run me, you can starve me and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don’t bore me.
Pale Rider
Original plot:
When property owner Coy LaHood starts using a band of hooligans to terrorize a group of small-town gold miners into giving up their territory, an enigmatic man named “Preacher” arrives in town. Preacher fends off the attacks, and then goes directly to LaHood to negotiate. When the miners, led by Hull Barret, refuse the terms, LaHood sends in Marshall Stockburn to take down Preacher and the others.
New Plot:
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau dispatches his gang of environmental miscreants to terrorize the people of the provinces of Alberta and Saskatchewan, but a mysterious stranger named Murray shows up and scares them all away. Undeterred, Trudeau hires well known industrial assassin and former convict Guilbeault to try and negotiate terms with Smith who refuses outright. Trudeau greenlights Guilbeault to go take out Smith’s crew as well as Edwards. Mayhem ensues.
Memorable Line:
Nothing like a nice piece of hickory.
Hang ‘em High
Original plot:
After a gang of men unsuccessfully attempts to lynch him for a cattle rustling crime he did not commit, Jed Cooper is saved by marshal Dave Bliss and judge Adam Fenton. The lawmen offer him a job as a federal marshal with the caveat that he not abuse his new power to seek revenge against his tormentors. But, when Cooper finds that some of the men who attacked him are involved in another set of crimes, he fights to bring them to justice.
New Plot:
After a gang of Democrats try to put Don Trump in jail for a crime he doesn’t think he committed, he is saved by a group of honest congressmen led by JD “li’l redneck” Vance. The Congressment offer him a job as a figurehead for their takeover of the government with the promise that he not be a dictator from Day 1. But, when Trump finds out that everyone (including himself to be honest) is a hypocritical liar, it all goes to hell in a covfefe basket.
Memorable Line:
When You Hang a Man, You Better Look at Him
In the Line of Fire
Original plot:
A Secret Service agent is taunted by calls from a would-be killer who has detailed information about the agent – including the fact that he failed to save President John F. Kennedy from assassination. The caller is revealed as an ex-CIA assassin, and the agent, who is investigating a threat to the current president, is determined not to let history repeat itself.
New Plot:
A well-known oil and gas and commodities analyst is tormented by tweets (X’s? Twixxes?) from an anonymous non-bot who appears to know too many details about OPEC, fossil fuel production and how the industry works. The sh**-poster is revealed to be a cranky investor who is trying to influence the market from behind the scenes by making the analyst make calls favourable to his portfolio. Determined to stay independent and not be drawn into a battle of wills, the analyst attempts to block the poster only to have his account suspended.
Memorable Line:
What to do you see when you’re in the dark, and the demons come?
Dirty Harry
Original plot:
Cop Harry Callahan attempts to track down a psychopathic rooftop killer before a kidnapped girl dies. When he is found Harry abuses the murderer’s civil rights putting him back on the streets. Once he is released he hijacks a school bus and Harry must go after him again. The only way to stop this vicious killer is in cold blood.
New Plot:
Industry stalwart Murray Edwards tries to track down a rogue government agent trying to shut down the oil and gas industry. When he catches up to him, Edwards gives him money to go away and causes the entire media ecosphere to lose its collective minds. Released from custody, the nefarious government agent goes on a regulatory and tax implementing spree, forcing Murray to go after him again, this time armed to the teeth.
Memorable Line:
Go ahead. Make my day.
Kelly’s Heroes
Original plot:
In the midst of World War II, an array of colorful American soldiers gets inside information from a drunk German officer about millions of dollars worth of gold hidden on enemy soil. Kelly, a private with the platoon, devises a plan to sneak past the German officers to steal the loot for his crew. They recruit more men and set their plan into action. Despite several casualties, the men are determined to press forward, even if it means striking a deal with the opposing army.
New Plot:
In the midst of their war on the governing Libgeral government, a group of conservative MPs get information about millions of dollars worth of subsidies and handouts available for their ridings. Pierre – the newly minted leader of the group decides to lead a daring raid into the belly of the civil service beast, determined to hack into the ancient mainframe and “free the Glee” which is how he refers to the government spending. Along the way he sacrifices a number of his fellow MPs but in order to Ax the Tax, casualties are expected. Ironically, the star of the show is a dude nicknamed Oddball, played to perfection by erstwhile conservative hipster and former MP Jason Kenney, who has grown his hair out and become a counter-culture hero.
Memorable Line (Oddball):
Why don’t you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don’t you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
Unforgiven
Original plot:
When prostitute Delilah Fitzgerald is disfigured by a pair of cowboys in Big Whiskey, Wyoming, her fellow brothel workers post a reward for their murder, much to the displeasure of sheriff Little Bill Daggett, who doesn’t allow vigilantism in his town. Two groups of gunfighters, one led by aging former bandit William Munny, the other by the florid English Bob (Richard Harris), come to collect the reward, clashing with each other and the sheriff.
New Plot:
This one feels almost too easy. But…
When onlyfans superstar Stormy is doxed and belittled online by a pair of weaselly trustfund brats, her legion of fans come to her support and post a reward for their online evisceration. This, of course, is much to the displeasure of their father – Little Donnie T, who doesn’t allow others to use the internet for knocking his spawn down a notch. A group of gunfighters, including vax-denying Bobby K the younger and a group led by Sleepy Joe Biden, come to Stormy’s rescue, creating a whole mess of conflict and chaos. Along the way, Joe loses his best ally and number 2 surrogate Petey B, but ultimately prevails.
Memorable Line:
All right now, I’m comin’ out. Any man I see out there, I’m gonna kill him. Any son of a bitch that takes a shot at me, I’m not only gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill his wife, all his friends, burn his damn house down!
Well there you go. It’s amazing to me how many of these plots boil down to the same good vs evil theme. Bad guys wage a war of attrition against helpless little folk. A mysterious and kind, yet deeply flawed, drifter appears and proceeds to kill everyone who is bad, dispenses folksy wisdom and then leaves.
“Now remember, when things look bad and it looks like you’re not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plumb, mad-dog mean. ‘Cause if you lose your head and you give up then you neither live nor win. That’s just the way it is.”
- The Outlaw, Josey Wales
