Hi all.
It’s February 28th. I’m in hiding. Because I write blogs that are critical of tariffs and I’m worried that I might get outed and picked up by the 51st State Troopers. Look. I’m not kidding. It can happen. They have operatives and spies everywhere. I think even some of my readers may be of concern to my freedom.
I’m specifically thinking that if you’re middle-aged, wear Lulu dress pants and Uggs and have recently bought a mid-life crisis station wagon with a super-charged rocket engine, you are prime material to be turned into a double agent for the evil Tariff Empire. And number one most likely to turn in someone like me, who just wants to practice free speech and speak my mind. Mostly about tariffs, because they are stupid.
But also about all the other stuff. Mainly the stupid stuff.
Interestingly, the preceding discussion about the gas company spy (who shall of course remain nameless) reminds me a lot of some of the seemingly endless assortment of Netflix and Amazon TV series that I voraciously consume to offset the boredom of being on the treadmill or elliptical for 45 minutes a day.
It makes me think, if I can dream that description of a mild-mannered geophysicist turned spy, then surely I could come up with some barn-burners that the production teams could flip into a series in no time. Hmm.
Of course, as luck would have it, I have actually pitched quite a few ideas, although it remains to be seen how many will be picked up. Judging by the rejection letters, court orders and harassment lawsuit, I’m not sure any. But I hold out hope.
I will let you be the judge.
Geo
This thriller follows Kellen, a young geophysicist toiling in the bowels of a Calgary office tower, researching and planning remote locations where his rapacious and land exploiting boss Guy Flower can take his company to drill and frac the natural gas so essential to, well, his, prosperity. Kellen leads a life of quiet desperation and longs for adventure. One day, while at the Audi dealership, a mysterious young lady approaches him with some news that will change his life forever. Kellen soon finds himself torn between his loyalty to his country, his company and his family on a heart-pounding adventure that sees him in a race against time bouncing between Fort St John, Zama City and the gleaming towers of downtown Calgary. All leading to a heart-pounding climax at the Calgary Tower where Kellen will be forced to choose.
The Pollster
The economy is shot. The leader, and his party, are in the dumps. Politically there is no return. An election needs to be held. It’s over. Against this backdrop, young Pete hatches a plan so diabolical and far-fetched that it can’t possibly work. All it needs is for an outsider to come at the country so hard that even a disillusioned populace will be roused from its stupor to reveal a bit of nationalism and backbone. That, combined with some well-placed individuals that tick the box on electability and gravitas just might turn the fortunes of the Party for the most unexpected comeback in political history. From his office, Pete manipulates questions and data first to quash popularity for his party as much as possible, prompting the party hating president of the country next door to seize the moment to pile onto the leader and move in the for the kill. And just when it seems lost, Pete pulls the unbelievable. He conjures up just the right set of polling questions to boost his party’s fortunes and that of the carefully selected and anointable saviour. Fortune’s reversed. But there is only one problem. There is a mole in Pete’s company and now a missing hard drive which holds the key to the entire plot and rival; parties and foreign governments will stop at nothing to retrieve it. As the leaders of polling firms across the country start showing up dead, Pete knows his time is limited.
The Outside/Insider
From the halls of power in Europe to the boardrooms of New York City, the Outside/Insider follows the devious machinations of Clark Barney, a one-time banker to the globe and high-flying industrialist as he manipulates friend and foe to achieve his goal – becoming the prime minister of a small, once relevant middle power so that he can… well he’s not sure what he’s trying to accomplish. Working in concert with the governing party, this individual has secretly been leading government policy for close to a decade. Unbeknownst to the evil government powers, a brave band of online bloggers has been working behind the scenes to expose the Outside/Insider for the nefarious character he is before time runs out and he imposes his alarmist agenda on an unsuspecting and largely indifferent population.
The Halls of Rideau
This documentary series follows the ups and downs of the Poilievre family as they rise from obscurity in suburban Calgary to the rookie MP from suburban Ottawa to become Canada’s Official Opposition. Featuring live footage of the family eating dinner and doing other mundane activities like brushing teeth overlaid with rhyming lessons and mock Question Period, the series depicts how the humdrum life of a close-knit family can become torn apart by the bare-knuckles brawling that is Canadian Parliamentary politics. Interviews with key figures in the Poilievre ascension are folded into the narrative including running commentary from Mr. Poilievre’s nemesis, outgoing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Filmed almost exclusively at the Opposition Leaders Residence (also affectionately known in the Poilievre household as “Carney’s Cabin”, this documentary is an unprecedented level of access into the lfe of the man who would be king. I mean Prime Minister.
The Masked Prime Minister
Much like it’s more popular cousin the Masked Singer, this show features current and former Prime Minsters from any parliamentary democracy in the world dressing in costume and performing song and dance routines for a panel of celebrities who are required to guess who each prime mister is and what country they are from based on their performances. Celebrity judges include Jim Carrey, Wayne Gretzky and Jennifer Lopez (no, the other Jennifer Lopez, the one from Cleveland). Hosted by none other than William Shatner. No word whether Justin Trudeau has agreed to participate. The pilot featured Stephen Harper dressed as a hockey stick.
Rogue Heroes – The Tariff Wars
A spin off of the highly popular historical drama about the formation os the Special Air Service, this show follows the exploits of the STS – the S[ecial Tariff Services – an elite group of commandos who specialize in going behind enemy lines to execute covert commando style missions. Their primary goal is to economically impair assets that could conceivably replace tariffed goods from Canada. For example, where the US has imposed 25% tariffs on Canadian shoe manufacturing, the STS famously snuck across the open border and went to the LL Bean Factory in Freeport, Maine (yes, I know it’s actually in China) and torched the company’s entire warehouse supply of top siders, forcing American Republican preppies to source their summer footwear from a Canadian supplier (same supplier in China TBH). At any rate, these dashing men (and women) of action are a true inspiration and viewers will regale in their hijinks and depravity alike.
The Search for the Next Bond Villain
This is another in a long line of reality shows with a simple yet effective premise. The world is in need of more villains and they should have a show to prove their worth. Think of it as America’s Got Talent but for evil. We had thought that America’s Got Evil Talent was a proper name but apparently Howie Mandel has already patented that. Plus, there is a lot of airplay right now for funding the next “Bond” and with Jeff Bezos now owning that franchise and decision, it felt like a perfect time to recognize the Broligarch class for what they are. Idle rich wanna be Bond villains with “issues”. Each episode will feature and profile a new billionaire with poorly informed ideas about how th world works and how their particular genius is required to save it. Bonus points if they were historically the biggest nerds on the planet and have spent a significant portion of their money on makeovers. Each prospective villain will be judged on the outrageousness of their plots against humanity and the various and sundry ridiculous ways they plan to kill anyone coming to stop them or to hold humanity hostage t their stupid whims. It should come as no surprise that Elmo Tusk is already the frontrunner. A major bonus of this contest is that each of these prospective villains is so insecure, brittle and in search of validation that tey will actually become so involved in the competition that they are likely to forget about all the shit they are doing that is actually wrecking the world. Judges include yours truly, my cat Kermit who hates everyone, a rotating cast of former Bond girls (for judgement and ritual humiliation of the nerd herd) and that angry guy from Twitter – Catturd.
Family Ties – Inner City
In our first foray into sitcoms, Family Ties – Inner City follows the lives of the lovable Keaton family, led by patriarch Alex, a Trump voting conservative married to a progressively active and upwardly mobile Hispanic firebrand who stands up for social justice, minorities and anyone she damn well wants to. They have two biological children. One is a churchgoing and chaste teenaged daughter and the other is a former star athlete son who they suspect may have just murdered a prominent CEO. They live in the Golden Mile in Chicago (hey, it’s inner city) with one foot in the luxurious world of “the Core” and the other firmly in the South Side. Oh wait, there’s a third kid no one cares about. Audiences should delight in this family clash of cultures as they deal with typical family dysfunction with a joy and zest for life that may in fact be lacking. I am hoping to land Ted Cruz and AOC for the lead roles but I understand they don’t work well together.
The Elon Musk Show
This is a 90-minute variety hour show featuring the comedic stylings of none other than Elon Musk. Fashioned as combination of the Carol Burnett Show and Saturday Night Live, this show will feature sketch comedy and musical guests, all curated by none other than Elon himself. I know he probably doesn’t listen to music and his comedy game isn’t strong but as we have all seen, he is perfectly capable of juggling chain saws and carrying around kitchen sinks. No one really gets it, but we will all just roll with it because he has $400 billion in net worth. The beauty of this show is that it will give him some place to blow off steam when he loses the Bond Villain competition to Bezos and keeps him from putting everyone’s tax returns in a searchable database on X. I understand that Kid Rock and the singing Trump daughter Lara have already been signed up as musical guests. Scott Adams the ultra-Maga Dilbert guy is going to be lead writer and FOX has already agreed to carry it for free. This show is going to be lit.
Pile On
This one just came to me, and I can’t for the life of me figure out the inspiration, but the idea is sheer genius. The premise is so simple that I’m surprised that no one has ever thought of doing this before. In this show regular people off the street get to role play as a variety of world leaders invited to the White House where they participate in a photo op media-filled discussion in the Oval Office with other people off the street role-playing as the President and Vice-President of the United States where they gang up on the world leader in question, verbally assault and threaten them, talk over them, try to humiliate them in front of the world media and basically act like cheap school yard bullies trying to score points with an audience of one, maybe two. The more embarrassing and shameful the ambush is, the more points are awarded to the “piler-oner” and the more stoic and level-headed the leader is, the less points the assaulters get. Personally, I think that any aspiring leader of the Canadian government should participate in this game show at least once so that they can prepare for international trade and tariff negotiations. Just saying.
The Littlest Hobo
It’s about a dog with no home who wanders the country. Canada. And saves the world. One person at a time.
I don’t think it actually gets better than that.
My work here is done.
Happy viewing.
