Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who celebrates. And to those who don’t, thank you for taking a few minutes out of your loveless and desperate lives to read this blog. I may soon start posting this on X regularly so I can get some money back on my Tesla shares that seem to be in a bit of a freefall – correlation with USAID? One will never know.

At any rate, I know you all have nothing better to do than read this so I may as well entertain you.

Not with tariffs this week, although they were, as always, in the news.

Why on Monday we got the news that we were about to see 25% tariffs on Steel and Aluminum. Which would cripple the US economy since they don’t have the ability to replace that production.

Then on Tuesday, Trump was caught musing (during a break from his Gaza takeover) about placing 100% tariffs on Canadian automobiles. Let’s be clear. Canada doesn’t have “automobiles”. There is an automtive industry in North Aerica that has deeply integrated “just-in-time” supply chains that is completely interdependent. Some finished vehicles roll off some assembly lines in Canada. A very small portion. Filled with parts sourced in Canada, the United States and Mexico. Most cars are finished in the United States. But a 100% tariff on Canadian autombiles would effectively shut down the auto industry in North America. Don’t take it from me. That’s what the automakers say.

So not only is this yet another dumb tariff (say it after me – all tariffs are dumb), it is in fact an economy wrecking one. Oh, and cherry on top – reciprocal tariffs are popping up, which are also dumb. And Mr. Trump is suggesting that tariffs will be cumulative. So the 100% tariff on automobiles would in theory be a 100% tariff on top of the other proposed 25% tariff. So a 125% cumulative tariff. Madness. China is winning, America is losing. Far from creating an America First trade strategy, all these tariffs are going to do is isolate the United States from the rest of the world the result of which will be a poorer America – with higher prices. Is this in ANYONE’S interests?

Can someone please, please, take the magic eight ball that says “tariff” away from Donald Trump. And media – for the love of Pete, just stop asking him about tariffs. Every time you do, they go up. So really, it’s all your fault.

Alright, now that I have got that off my chest, I want to address the elephant in the room.

Dear Elephant.

Under no circumstances will Canada ever agree to be the 51^st state.

We kinda like what we have going here even if it doesn’t seem like it to an outside observer what with partisan hostility, a prorogued parliament, a minority government choosing a new leader during a tariff standoff and an official opposition threatening everyone with axes.

Canadians are proud people and DO NOT respond well to being pushed around. We aren’t as aggressive as Americans are – in business or in culture – but we are distinctly different and we are nothing if not resolute.

We are really good at compromise – one look at the French and English divide will show that, but if the other party doesn’t play fair, we will fight. Go to a hockey game if you want proof. We settle our differences. Go after our star and someone’s dropping the gloves on you.

Stop threatening us.

When I was growing up our family had this beautiful coffee table book that contained a couple of hundred pictures of the US-Canadian border along its eight-thousand kilometre length. It was called “Between Friends”. There is a lesson and truth in that book that the current administration seems intent on denying. Also, friends – not family. We can be neighbours without shacking up.

A corollary to that is – why would you want Canada as a 51^st state anyway? Don’t you have enough on your hands with the other 50?

And stop obsessing over us like we are some hot chick you saw in the underwear section of the Sears catalogue.

There. I said it. It’s weird. And borderline adolescent.

This whole thing with the 51^st state needs to just go away so we can get back to our usual state of play.

Canada obsessing about all things United States and Americans being completely indifferent to our existence except the odd occasion when a Canadian becomes a famous star or athlete in an American milieu or Kendrick Lamar disses Drake (who is Canadian).

Just leave us be.

In the immortal words of Paul Simon – There must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Or is it 51?

Make a new plan Stan. Set yourself free.

So forthwith – here are 51 reasons why Canada will and should never be the 51^st state. Trust me, there are reasons on both sides of the world’s longest undefended border.

1. We don’t want to be. Ignore the people saying 30% might be in favour. If we had a referendum, it would be a landslide No. Quebec can’t even pull off separation and they are a distinct society within a sovereign nation.
2. Speaking of Quebec, does the US really want that headache? Constant threats of separation, annual cash shakedowns.
3. We don’t like your gun laws. Ours are confusing, but overall we don’t have anywhere near the problems with gun violence that the US has and we would like to keep it that way.
4. We are in fact a sovereign nation, not just some curiosity to the North.
5. We eat poutine. Fries, cheese curds and gravy. You eat “dirty fries”. These are incompatible food preparations.
6. As a 51^st State, Canada would have more say in your government than every state except California. Is that really a good strategy for a “takeover”
7. We spell a lot of words differently. Like neighbour and honour. And humour.
8. We use the metric system everywhere. Americans struggle with the metric system.
9. We have two official languages that we recognize unlike the US that uses two languages but won’t recognize it even though services and product labels explicitly acknowledge it.
10. Our national sport uses curved sticks and razor sharp blades and is super fast. The US national pastime uses bats, gloves and has no clock.
11. If we were the 51^st state, the US would have to acknowledge Canada invented basketball and football
12. It’s freaking cold here most of the year.
13. When it’s not cold, there are mosquitoes.
14. We have universal health care. No one goes bankrupt from being sick. We like that and won’t give it up.
15. We don’t do pledges of allegiance to start our school day and it would be really awkward to start.
16. We no longer accept personal cheques (not checks BTW) and our banking and payment system is much more modern – we have no desire to go backwards.
17. We got rid of Elon Musk already. We don’t want him back.
18. The same goes for Kevin O’Leary.
19. If we were to become the 51^st state you would have to fund the CBC.
20. We like diversity, respect equity and encourage inclusion.
21. We like to say coast to coast to coast, which includes the Atlantic, Pacific and Arctic Oceans. Adding in an extra coast (the Gulf of Amerexico) would sound dumb.
22. Hands off our Strategic Maple Syrup reserve
23. We have so much freaking oil and natural gas it would make your head spin and Americans can’t have it.
24. We are already over-crowded and wouldn’t be able to absorb the northern immigration
25. We pronounce Mazda and Taco differently. This is irreconcilable.
26. Our smoked meat is better than pastrami
27. Our Montreal bagels run circles around New York City bagels
28. Tim Horton’s and Dunkin Donuts (doughnuts) are both trash, but Timmie’s is our trash
29. Our money has better nicknames than American money – loonie, toonie vs greenback
30. American culture – movies, music and all that is pretty important to us, but every once in a while we like to close the door and listen to some Gordon Lightfoot
31. National defense is important to us, we just don’t like to spend money on it
32. Denmark actually likes us and we share a border on Hants Island. So I guess if the US wanted to join the EU, they could do it by taking over Canada and exploiting the border
33. Canadian beef and US beef do NOT taste the same. They are finished differently. Ours is better, but Texas will never admit it so we are therefore incompatible
34. We produce nothing the US wants or needs. Like why would the world’s largest industrial power want cheap and plentiful oil, natural gas, steel, aluminum, lumber, copper, nickel, wheat, pulses, rare earth minerals and water?
35. Nickelback
36. Our banking rules are too strict – none of your existing “big banks” want to come to Canada and compete on an equal footing with Canadian behemoths.
37. Speaking of industry, I don’t think any US airline (except maybe Spirit) will ever want to fly the Winnipeg to Yellowknife daily.
38. Our cities are generally too clean and our urban rats are no competition for the beasts that inhabit places like New York, Chicago and New Orleans.
39. Americans would lose their minds in the loneliness of Northern Canada where the wildlife outnumbers the human population
40. There is absolutely no way that the US could ever figure out our relationships with First Nations and how we co-exist.
41. Canadians have all sorts of weird chip flavours such as Ketchup and All-Dressed. We also eat these weird things called Hickory Sticks which are sticks flavoured like hickory. And salt.
42. We put vinegar on fries
43. Some of the largest freshwater lakes in the world are in Canada and the US can’t have them. I’m pretty sure most Americans can’t even find them on a map. The tap controlling the water to California is a myth.
44. Aviary incompatibility. The US’s national symbol is the Bald Eagle. Ours is the affectionately known Cobra Chicken (Canada Goose). Any golfer worth their salt will have a cobra chicken assault horror story. When was the last time a bald eagle wrecked the back nine? Never. Don’t F with our “original” angry bird.
45. That whole War of 1812 burning down the White House thing. It must still sting.
46. With the whole USMCA free trade agreement we already have the most prolific and productive economic union on the entire planet. The EU can only dream of having something so perfect. Why exactly does this need tinkering?
47. The right wing conservative party in Canada is probably equivalent to a centrist Democrat party or a progressive Republican. Our politics will never align.
48. We are a nation that loves Formula One. America loves NASCAR. We just turn too much for you guys.
49. The United States was born out of anger towards oppression and rebellion. Canada was created in a boardroom via political consensus. We are not the same. Oil and water (we have lots of both by the way).
50. It’s a dumb idea, eh?
51. We would appreciate having an American Interstate system, our sad little TransCanada Highway is a bit of an embarrassment

Look, I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons why Canada will never be the 51^st state, like that whole “sovereignty” thing and clear active insurrection against a hostile takeover, but these are a pretty decent starting point.

We will never, ever, get together.

So, hop on the bus Gus. Make a new plan Stan. No need to coy Roy! Drop off the key Lee and get yourself free.

And stop it. We’re getting kinda ruffled up here in the Great White North.